Organized people intrigue me. My mom is very organized. I've normally been one to follow schedules or routine, but organization is a trait that has always alluded me. My daily routine has most commonly been habitual more than harmonized. Sort of a mash of what needs to be done. Making it flow in an organized manor? HA! Good luck.
Well, since being pregnant with my daughter I've fell into the routine of ..., for lack of a better word, BLAH! Wake up either when the kid does or when we feel like it. Get dressed when we feel like it. Eat what ever we feel like. DO what every we FEEL like. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BLAH! I'm finally so board of it. Especially now that the kid is pushing 4 years old. Of course it was not always like this as any one would know that has had a baby, especially their first. Babies are on their own schedule and you better abide or face the wrath. The first year was CRAZY and went by like a whirl wind. The next was a wonderful year of discoveries and firsts. And, of course, every chance we get we go out and see the world in a new and exciting way. But our every day life at home was lacking adventure. ..And it was all my fault.
I hear it all the time that kids do well with order and routine. I can agree with that, but always lived a little ... unconfined with the kid because ya just never know what's going to happen. I didn't want to be that mom that was tied to the baby's schedule. Yes, I breast feed. No we didn't have a regular baby sitter. No we did not have lots of relatives as baby sitting back up. We took her with us. She learned to sleep with noise around her, when it was convenient , in the car (which is the best as we all know), she meet lots of people, we saw lots of things ... before she was even one. Now that she is not a baby any more and doesn't require the 24-7 care that babies need, it's getting a little lackadaisical around here. It was not a sudden change like having a baby. One day you are two people, the next you are PARENTS and a family and years of responsibility hanging over your head. It's one of those things that sort of creeps up on you. Especially through the winter months. So I'm determined to change all that.
As I have said, I've decided to home school and that is still going well. Every few days we work on some type of preschool activity or work sheets. She always does very well and I often find my self looking for more challenging stuff to keep her as interested in learning as she is right now. Very soon this is going to prove to be tougher and tougher and we will need to invest a lot more time and money into school work. All the more reason to get my shit together and back on schedule. My goal is not only to get back to more of a daily routine, but to be better and more efficient at it. Not just to get my life in order and to better my child's life and jump on education, but to OWN it!
Things I'm doing to make this change:
I've tried before to just do it!! Make the schedule being sure to include all that is needed to be done. Then make sure I follow it to a T. ..Or pretty close to it. (I'm not that OCD) It may even go very well for a day or so, but that's about as far as I take it. I'm the worlds best procrastinator. I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I can always do it tomorrow. Well, pretty soon the tomorrows will be limited and I won't be able to make that big change in enough time. So I've finally learned that I need to take baby steps. They say if you do something for 30 days it will become routine. So I've made my self a motivational calender. I need to start with my self. (One of my rules of life. If number one is not happy, the people you love that are around you will not be happy.) For the month of February I have vowed to myself to work out a reasonable amount of days each week. I realize it's not good to work out every single day nor is it necessary to obsess about the plan of attack. But if I am determined to make the effort, by months end it should be habit. The following month I will work out 4+ days a week and fit in daily planning for the kid's schooling and to get on a house cleaning schedule. (One of my biggest obstructions.) Once again not stressing out and completely bailing on the whole idea and effort due to a little sway from planning. And so on. I have about 4 months worth of reconstructing so far. My calender heading says 'DO IT!' since that seems to be my preferred encouragement phrase. I often say it to the kid when she's being poky about something. I have the calender pinned right next to my bedroom door so I see it every morning as I leave my room. I mark off each day with red ink when I actually 'do it'. When I don't it's there staring at me every morning making me feel guilty.
Also ... I've started .. with another routine of sorts. It's more of a spiritual ritual I guess you could say. It's something I've been very curious about for quite a while now. The background that eventually led me to these types of thoughts and explorations are for another time. But as for my slow progress to a more balanced self I've began to delve into a type of meditation, if you will. I try to get a chance to devote even just a few minutes a day to focus and sort of visualize what is most important to me and to try and remember to stay on path through the day with what is of most substance. As I do this I see my (aging) body, my child, my marriage, the people I love and the fact that I'm not just cleverly disguised as an adult, but I actually am one and the responsibilities that I have because of it.
Now I don't know if all this focusing and "meditation" is actually doing it's part and helping me be more relaxed about the routine and enabling me to go with the flow letting me be more successful, or if it's more of an obsession in disguise. I think about it more, not wanting it to fail, wanting it to actually be doing some good. In the end, does it really matter how the result is meet if the result is what is desired?
I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the whole thing and feel like this could finally be it. The time that doesn't go down as, "Ya, I tried that once". I just need to keep remembering to DO IT! So far so good. We'll see in another month if it pays off.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I'm such a bitch!
I should never go to the grocery store knowing it will be crowded. Normally I go late at night or right in the middle of the day in the middle of the week when the little old ladies are the only ones in the store. Today is the day before the Super Bowl. I should have stayed home.
I get there and of course the kid want's "circle chicken". I get her in a cart and weave through the crowd to the deli counter. There was about 5 people in line, so I stood behind the one standing furthest out (assuming he's last in line). A couple people filter out after getting their order and I inch forward. As I'm standing there almost next in line (getting a little excited now since the faster this is over, the fast we can get out of this crazy store) and a woman wheels her cart up and right through the few people standing there and just about right in front of me. So what do I do but cause a huge scene, start yelling at her that I was next in line and to get the hell out of my way. How dare she try to cut in front of my starving child, dumb woman. Or at least that's how you would have thought it happened by her appalled reaction. In reality I scooted my cart forward and [politely] said, "Excuse me, I think I was next." JUST. LIKE. THAT. Where she began mumbling to her self expressions of surprise and disgust. I simply said, "Isn't that how a line works? You have to wait your turn?" She continued her display of disgust even asking another person in line (sarcastically) if she had cut in front of them. I looked right at her a few times while we were waiting for our circle chicken to maybe confront why she was making such a scene and that I simply didn't want to wait any longer than she did, not to mention teaching my daughter between right and wrong, but she never once had the courage to even look in my direction.
I'm a firm believer that you treat people how you want to be treated. Apparently there are a lot of people out there that like it when people are ass holes to them. Or at least that is how they treat others. I don't know of any other way of life, I'm no better than the next person. So if you are an ass hole to me, I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are having a really bad day and you did not mean it. Continue to be an ass hole and you, either don't deserve my attention, or you will be wishing you had not gotten my attention.
I get there and of course the kid want's "circle chicken". I get her in a cart and weave through the crowd to the deli counter. There was about 5 people in line, so I stood behind the one standing furthest out (assuming he's last in line). A couple people filter out after getting their order and I inch forward. As I'm standing there almost next in line (getting a little excited now since the faster this is over, the fast we can get out of this crazy store) and a woman wheels her cart up and right through the few people standing there and just about right in front of me. So what do I do but cause a huge scene, start yelling at her that I was next in line and to get the hell out of my way. How dare she try to cut in front of my starving child, dumb woman. Or at least that's how you would have thought it happened by her appalled reaction. In reality I scooted my cart forward and [politely] said, "Excuse me, I think I was next." JUST. LIKE. THAT. Where she began mumbling to her self expressions of surprise and disgust. I simply said, "Isn't that how a line works? You have to wait your turn?" She continued her display of disgust even asking another person in line (sarcastically) if she had cut in front of them. I looked right at her a few times while we were waiting for our circle chicken to maybe confront why she was making such a scene and that I simply didn't want to wait any longer than she did, not to mention teaching my daughter between right and wrong, but she never once had the courage to even look in my direction.
I'm a firm believer that you treat people how you want to be treated. Apparently there are a lot of people out there that like it when people are ass holes to them. Or at least that is how they treat others. I don't know of any other way of life, I'm no better than the next person. So if you are an ass hole to me, I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are having a really bad day and you did not mean it. Continue to be an ass hole and you, either don't deserve my attention, or you will be wishing you had not gotten my attention.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Dilemma
I've got this cat, well not just a cat, my baby! My first baby that is. I got her after moving out on my own from a friends place. He was allergic to EVERY thing. So when I got my own place I was ready to have a fuzzy cuddle partner. Growing up I was a dog person, always had them. We never had cats because we lived on a very busy street, and with five kids my mom was not interested in making up story after story for why the cat was gone. I had moved into a small apartment and couldn't bear to think of tying a dog outside or leaving it in my little box of a place while I was at work for 9+ hours a day. Never having a cat before I decided, probably irrationally, this would be my best solution for my need for some furry love in my little home. So I went to the pound thinking to my self I would not get the first kitten I saw. I was going to choose very carefully since this would be my first pet that I would have sole responsibility for (besides my rat Scooter that I had when I was about 10). I walked into where they kept the cats and kittens. The woman working there showed me the first kennel that had a tabby grey stray momma cat and her 5 kittens. There was one that sprung to the door of the cage and clung to it as if it should have been wearing a tiny Spiderman suit. I told the woman helping me that I would like to see "that one". As she handed the scared kitten to me it was almost like we were two socks out of the dryer that had no static cling sheet to help from the stickiness. I couldn't help but feel nurturing to this little ball of fuzz that had enormous ears compared to her tiny frame. So, yes, I ended up taking the first one I saw.
Flash forward 10 years.
This cat has been through EVERY thing with me. Moving from town to town, from place to place. Even from one guy to the next. Throughout it all she never judged me (if she did, she never said any thing <3). She was always there for me to cry into when my life seemed to be falling apart. She was my sanity in the crazy world of humans. I couldn't love her any more than I could love my own mother. Especially when my mom was so far from me along with the rest of my family after deciding at [probably] too young of an age to move nearly 1500 miles from them all. This cat was all I had and really all I needed at the time. Then I met him!
I met him at a bar, of all places. But it's not like that, although that's a story for another blog. We were two opposites finding common interest in the weird way the world and it's inhabitants worked. After only a few months we were inseparable, 3+ years later we were married and a year after that we were pregnant. Through all this [now] our cat has been the baby. He's been the first one she really took to and at times I accuse her of being a trader. She's a very picky cat. She's only known me as a constant. Every thing else she's known has been nothing short of a whirl wind of my crazy life. She's not fond of other cats at all. I think she thinks she's a dog, but only gets along with them if they are either afraid of her (she's a large cat) or they could give a rats ass about her. She's actually been know to cuddle with the right dog. She gets pretty skittish around new people and usually takes quite a while before she'll even come into sight. And she hates little kids with a fiery passion, which concerned me when I was pregnant with our daughter. After the kid was on the move the cat, one; was much faster than the kid at the time, and two; she had some time to get to know the kid a bit before she was being chased all over the house. To say the least it all worked out. The cat hates it when the kid tries to get too lovey, but she's surprisingly good with her.
With that all said I now have this dilemma. The cat is now nearly 14 years old and starting to show signs of old age. ...Or at least that's what I'm guessing. Since she has always been an indoor cat (because of the whole fear my mom instilled in me about cats and busy streets) I took her in as a kitten and had all her shots taken care of along with having her fixed. Since then she has not been back. She has always been a very healthy cat and has never been out to be exposed to any thing. Well, recently she has been throwing up a lot. Not like an annoying amount, but more like 6 or 7 times in a day. Maybe not every day, but at least a few times a week or more. Now, you're probably thinking, "Why won't you take her into the vet?!?". First, we are having a difficult time paying our house payment at the moment not to mention the fact that she is not a traveler. She gets WAY stressed out when being moved from house to house. Of course if she was 3 or 8 I would take her in and do what I could even if I had to set up payments some how. This cat is 14 years old. I can hear her play at night (when she is not puking her guts out all night). She doesn't seem to be loosing tons of weight. And there are days she seems to be just fine. But then we return to the days that she is heaving most of the day and obviously not feeling well and sleeps ALL day, which those days are not normal. But do I put our selves in more way-over-our-heads-debt for a very old cat? I've read and heard from vets opinion that I would have to do blood work on her to figure it out. (I've ruled out all the other obvious issues like hair ball problems or the food, etc.) That could cost a pretty penny before any thing is payed for remedies.
So there are my options.
Flash forward 10 years.
This cat has been through EVERY thing with me. Moving from town to town, from place to place. Even from one guy to the next. Throughout it all she never judged me (if she did, she never said any thing <3). She was always there for me to cry into when my life seemed to be falling apart. She was my sanity in the crazy world of humans. I couldn't love her any more than I could love my own mother. Especially when my mom was so far from me along with the rest of my family after deciding at [probably] too young of an age to move nearly 1500 miles from them all. This cat was all I had and really all I needed at the time. Then I met him!
I met him at a bar, of all places. But it's not like that, although that's a story for another blog. We were two opposites finding common interest in the weird way the world and it's inhabitants worked. After only a few months we were inseparable, 3+ years later we were married and a year after that we were pregnant. Through all this [now] our cat has been the baby. He's been the first one she really took to and at times I accuse her of being a trader. She's a very picky cat. She's only known me as a constant. Every thing else she's known has been nothing short of a whirl wind of my crazy life. She's not fond of other cats at all. I think she thinks she's a dog, but only gets along with them if they are either afraid of her (she's a large cat) or they could give a rats ass about her. She's actually been know to cuddle with the right dog. She gets pretty skittish around new people and usually takes quite a while before she'll even come into sight. And she hates little kids with a fiery passion, which concerned me when I was pregnant with our daughter. After the kid was on the move the cat, one; was much faster than the kid at the time, and two; she had some time to get to know the kid a bit before she was being chased all over the house. To say the least it all worked out. The cat hates it when the kid tries to get too lovey, but she's surprisingly good with her.
With that all said I now have this dilemma. The cat is now nearly 14 years old and starting to show signs of old age. ...Or at least that's what I'm guessing. Since she has always been an indoor cat (because of the whole fear my mom instilled in me about cats and busy streets) I took her in as a kitten and had all her shots taken care of along with having her fixed. Since then she has not been back. She has always been a very healthy cat and has never been out to be exposed to any thing. Well, recently she has been throwing up a lot. Not like an annoying amount, but more like 6 or 7 times in a day. Maybe not every day, but at least a few times a week or more. Now, you're probably thinking, "Why won't you take her into the vet?!?". First, we are having a difficult time paying our house payment at the moment not to mention the fact that she is not a traveler. She gets WAY stressed out when being moved from house to house. Of course if she was 3 or 8 I would take her in and do what I could even if I had to set up payments some how. This cat is 14 years old. I can hear her play at night (when she is not puking her guts out all night). She doesn't seem to be loosing tons of weight. And there are days she seems to be just fine. But then we return to the days that she is heaving most of the day and obviously not feeling well and sleeps ALL day, which those days are not normal. But do I put our selves in more way-over-our-heads-debt for a very old cat? I've read and heard from vets opinion that I would have to do blood work on her to figure it out. (I've ruled out all the other obvious issues like hair ball problems or the food, etc.) That could cost a pretty penny before any thing is payed for remedies.
So there are my options.
- Take the cat in and do every thing I can for her no matter what that means for my family financially, after all she was my first baby.
- Leave her be and hope for the best, cleaning cat puke off of EVERY thing every other day.
- Have her euthanized. (If the vet sees it fit.)
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